Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
