She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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