my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I look better un-naked...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
