Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
