her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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