and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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