If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You left your phone here
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