i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
