WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In other news, I just burned my penis
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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