i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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