i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
