Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
