he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
