Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
