first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am available for nakedness
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
