I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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