Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Success! We fucked roommates!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize