Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
