Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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