Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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