I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
