just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
