There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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Do I have a choice?
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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