Define "chronic" masturbator.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
