I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
