I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
