I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
