You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
