hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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