I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
