So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
