i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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