I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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