I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
