saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
