my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
