in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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