there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
