I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
