Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You're like the curious george of whores
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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