Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
