He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize