I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
