fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
