dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
