I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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