sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
