I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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