I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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