She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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