youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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