I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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