the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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