While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
