4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
