i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
