Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
