If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
