I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
