I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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