As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
