You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
