There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
