Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
